The War the Newts, by Karel Capek

[a Victorian newt]

(Image from Chet Gottfried’s the Newtbook; used with permission.)

Continuing in the semi-literate tradition of Rats-to-Cats, A reading from the Chapter “Andrew Scheuchzer” of The War With the Newts, by Karl Capek, just after an intelligent Newt has been placed in a London prison.

…the director of the Zoo, Sir Charles Wiggam, was walking through some of the houses to make sure that everything was in order. When he went through the section with the newts there was a great splashing in one of the tanks, and somebody remarked in a croaking voice, “Good evening, sir.”

“Good evening,” replied the director, taken aback. “Who’s that?”

“Excuse me, sir,” said the croaking voice. “Isn’t it Mr. Greggs?”

“Who’s that?” repeated the director.

“Andy. Andrew Scheuchzer.”

Sir Charles drew nearer the tank. There was only a newt sitting erect and motionless there. “Who said something here?”

“Andy, sir,” said the newt. “Who are you?”

“Wiggam,” blurted out Sir Charles in amazement.

“I’m very pleased to make your acquaintance,” said Andrias [the newt] politely. “How do you do?”

“Damn it all,” bawled Sir Charles. “Greggs! Hey, Greggs!” [Greggs is the cage-keeper.]

Mr. Greggs rushed tot he door, breathless and apprehensive. “I beg your pardon, sir?”

“Greggs, what does this mean?” burst out Sir Charles.

“Is there something wrong, sir?” stammered Mr. Greggs uncertainly.

“This animal here is talking!”

“Excuse me, sir,” said Mr. Greggs, abashed. “You ought not to do that, Andy. haven’t I told you a thousand times that you ought not to annoy people with your talking? I beg your pardon, sir; it won’t happen again.”

“Is it you that has taught this newt to talk?”

“But he began it, sir,” expostulated Greggs in self-defence.

“I hope that it won’t happen again, Greggs,” said Sir Charles sternly. “I shall keep my eye on you.”

Some time later Sir Charles was sitting beside Professor Petrov and discussing the so-called animal intelligence, conditioned reflexes, and how popular ideas overrate the reasoning powers of animals. Professor Petrov expressed his doubts about the Elberfeld horses which, it was said, could not only count, but also raise a number to a higher power and find the square root of a number; “for not even a normal, intelligent man can extract the square root of a number, can he?” said the great scientist.

. . .

Text from The War With the Newts, by Karl Capek. Reproduced for personal use only.

Image reproduced from the Newtbook with permission of the artist, Chet Gottfried.

Although I am not going to maintain an exhaustive listing of Capek web references, in addition to the Newtbook, German-speakers should check out the well-executed Siegbert Mueller’s newt-pages (now a broken link, but previously at http://www.phil.uni-passau.de/kunst\_erz/Personen/SIEGBERT/molche1.html).